my son,Jerami 

me 

One Day...............

You know, of all the bad realationships i have had {with the cheating and abuse}, i have finally found the man that treats me like a lady.I found a man that makes me feel like a woman should.
So why do i have all these insecure thoughts?

I know in my heart,mind&soul that he is a faithful husband and father...But then there are days that i just KNOW that he isn't being faithful to me...

Is it because deep down inside myself, i don't feel worthy of his devotion? Maybe in my heart i feel it is just too good to be true?

Now don't get me wrong, in my previous relationships i had no idea i was being cheated on ..until it became painfully obvious. Is that what is going on now? God i hope not, we have a family together.I couldn't handle that..our children couldn't handle it.

And yet i know he is a good man..an excellent husband, and a better father..then why do i get so overwhelmed with these thoughts?I've tried to bring these things to him, but he gets upset that i i have times that i have lost faith in him.

So i tell myself that he needs me as much as i need him..I have to convince myself, because he is not open with his feelings...

So maybe my heart carries scars of infedelities from past relationships..maybe i still havn't gotten over the pain of having my world ripped outfrom beneath my feet so many times before..maybe if i can find a way to stop the nightmares, i can get on with a fresh start.

But there are no quick fixes...no easy answers...

Maybe one day the answer will come to me, but what if that one day comes by too late?
How long will he stand by me, knowing that i have doubts..that I can't give my heart fully, when there are still peices left of it scattered ? Peices that, one day, when they are gathered and reconstructed, I will have my innocence back.One day, i will love myself completely, and therefore allow myself to be loved completely.

One Day............................

My soap opera family

I am 23 year old mother of three.I gave birth to my oldest son when i was just 15 years old, although i took him to school with me everyday to get my diploma.Now i do want to let you know now that i am a white female, and have only ever dated black men, and , and it's nothing about hating my race,it is strictly my sexual preferance.But yes,my son, who i have named Jerami {pronounced: Jeremy} is a product of an interacial relationship, although i had LOADS of fun trying to explain to my father, who was a prison guard in the deep south..that my "baby's daddy" was not like those "niggers" he deals with in the prison on a daily basis...although that seems to be exactly what he was..My sons father,Anthony,at the age of 17,got me pregnant when i was 14 and ran off to california to excape child support.Now my son is his oldest child at 7 years of age,and he now has 11 other children by 8 different woman.So anyways..After school,i met what i thought to be,a wonderful man.Only to find out he was an abusive alcoholic, addicted to crack/cocaine.He abused me for over 2 years before he finally beat me and my two year old son so severley we ended up in the hospital.That night i lost everything{my son,husband,job,home}I lost everything.My son was taken and placed with my mother for a while {what turned out to be over two years}and i turned to drugs and alcohol.I began to sell crack to support my marijuana habit.Although i have never learned to drive, i held down 2 fulltime jobs and rode my bike to visit my son 3 towns over,riding my bike about 50 miles a day in total.I had a few ralationships during that time {for sexual reasons only...my heart had taken a serious blow that night my world as i had known it, had came crashing down}after a couple of years had gone by, and i had seemed to dig myself into a ditch i just couldn't get out of, Now hang with me...this gets complicated...


my sister, crystal had given birth to a beautiful baby girl i had named Dasha.I had went to every doctor appointment, and was there for her birth. I even took this tiny bundle home with me from the hospital. Now you might have noticed i said "I" alot, thats because my sister had decided that she simply just didn't want that beautiful baby girl she had growing inside of her.She tried everything she could to get rid of that precious baby from drinking alcohol, and excessive use of: morphine,codeine,vicodin,and cocaine.This little helpless child was born with a serious condition..Fetal Alcohol Syndrome...as well as ADHD and exposure to the other drugs.Now some people don't know that drinking during your pregnancy could actually have more serious effects on the child than exposure to cocaine. I know I didn't know that before now.My neice was a mess.Besides the obvious problems, my sisters mother skills were close to murder.She starved my neice, she left her with a known child molester continuiously, she walked the streets with her in the middle of january while she was but an infant, just to make to to the parties across town.dasha was severely neglected,At 3 months of age, not only did she have Fetal alcohol Syndrome, but she had Failure To Thrive, And had a serious case of Infant Depression. She had a "flat effect" which meant that she had practically lost touch with reality, she didn't:laugh, cry,smile,or make eye contact.She was slipping fast.Now,i did everything i could do for my neice,Dasha, but i was only allowed to have her when it was convienant to my sister, crystal.I fell in love with that baby, and couldn't love her more if i had given birth to her myself.

I had suddenly realized that i had ALOT of changing in my own life to do before i had any hope in changing Dasha's....and this is how my life has changed in the most miraculous way....................................................................


When Dasha was 2 months old, i decided somthing had to be done, at this point, i already felt as if she was MY daughter, so i decided we needed a change.I had met a man named jeff.Now Jeff is actually the son of the man who has married my grandma, so techincally he is my step-uncle.But it's not as if i had grown up calling him "uncle jeff".We had met when we were very younge, and had never really seen each other since.
Jeff owns a bit of property way out in the country, and i thought that would be a perfect place to raise the children.We have hills, woods,feilds and a pond for the children to enjoy without having to worry about the sick people in this world.I decided i would move in with jeff and become a family.Shortly after moving in and detatching myself from my former life with drugs, alcohol, and bad influences, i had the privledge of having my son move back in with me.Jerami was now 5 years old, so much different from the almost 3 year old he was when he was ripped out of my life 2 years before.So here we were: Jeff,Jerami,Dasha,and myself. the happy little family. Of course we still had problems with dasha's mother for a while, but as soon as protective services got involved, it was obvious that she would legally be our daughter soon.And while we were in the process of the adoption, we discovered Crystal was pregnant yet again.It was heart breaking, but with just getting our family together the way we wanted it, it wasn't exactly our plans on taking in yet another child.When Crystal realized that if she didn't sign off her rights to her daughter soon, they were very likely to take her unborn son as well directly from the hospital, she signed of her rights to dasha.Now the thing you must understand about why it is that Crystal would hate her daughter so much, yet love thebaby growing inside her now, is that Dasha was the result of sleeping with a a white man, and she has it in her head that the only baby worth being inside her is if he is of Mexican decent..Now i remind you yet again, that me and my sister are both white.
Now i had mentioned previously that had up until this moent had only dated black men because of my sexual preference, not because of hate for my own race, but that is exactly what crystal's problem is,She hates her race,and hated her daughter because not "not only is she white, but she is a girl" her exact words...Now she has this little mexican boy growing inside her and is sooooo pleased about it.Well Crystal had given birth to her son on Christmas Day 2004.His name is Daniel, and he is the sweetest little boy you ever could meet.But within a few months the newness had worn off and he too had become a burden to her.It didn't take long for child protection services to step in and remove him from her home.And here was my decision: do i open my home, yet again, to another of her children? or do i allow him to go into another foster home and be put up for adoption outside the family??? Of course i made the right decision, and we accepted him as our own.Now i am to where we are right now and the time is coming for him to be available for us to adopt instead of being just placed in our home, and she is about to give birth to her 3rd child.This is the worst situation i have ever been put in, because honestly we don't have a room to keep the little guy in, and regardless, we can't keep allowing crystal to think we will take every child she has and gets tired of.These children have mental handicaps and are wearing me down, she can't manage to stay of the drugs during her pregnancies long enough to give her children a decent chance in life. Crystal is 20 years old and about to give birth to her 3rd child,there is no telling how many more she will have and we just can't afford to keep taking on the responsibilty, Not only do i now have my son,and her 2 children living in our home, Jeff also has 6 other children to suport. I hate to do this, but i have turned down the chance to take in my unborn nefew.I know he will never be a part of this family, and it tears me up inside that my new son and daughter will never know their baby brother, but we just can't keep doing this, i have a bad heart and it has just been too much stress on me already. I'm sure he will go to a great family, but it will always be in my mind that i caused my own newborn nefew to tossed out of this family before he has even gotten to know us.The good news is, my baby sister,Katie{who is 18,and has a 2&1/2 year old of her own} has been doing everything in her power to take in this unborn baby boy.I know she can do it, she is an excellent mother to my nefew Jordyne, but she has just moved into her first home, and is trying so hard to learn all of the home-making things we mothers do on a daily basis.Don't take it wrong, she is awsome, and doing great, i just don't want to see her overwhelmed at such a young age with a child that could very likely be born with the same problems as my daughter dasha had been.Either way it goes, i have faith in her no matter what she does, and i just wish i could say the same of my other sister Crystal.I love both of my sisters alot, but it's just heartbreaking to know that she is the reason my baby has brain defects, and my daughter will never lead a normal life. Well, i guess that is all for now, thanks for reading this.
Lisa